


what could have been (if life had been kinder)

by Emgirl16



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angels Ship It, Angst, Bobby Knows, Bobby Ships It, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Ships It, Child Abuse, Child Death, Chuck is God, Crowley Has a Heart, Crowley Ships it, Dean Ships It, Dean loves his siblings, Demons Ship It, F/M, Flashbacks, I Made Myself Cry, I wrote this before we figured out what the darkness was, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, I'm gonna be upfront, I'm so sorry, Implied Crowley/Bobby Singer, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Minor Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Minor Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Murder, One-Sided Crowley/Bobby Singer, Parental Bobby Singer, Past Child Abuse, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Regrets, Sam Ships It, Sis Fic, There's not a happy ending, Underage Drug Use, Whiskey - Freeform, but he is a drug lord, but she's not really even in the story, dean worries, he just doesn't know it, he's not a villian, ironic nickname, it's like she exists, mutual one-sided love, please kiss already, so he's a guy named Riley, sorta - Freeform, thats a thing in this fic, there's so much man pain, this is an AU of another fanfic I wrote, when does Supernatural ever have a happy ending?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 13:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12434181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emgirl16/pseuds/Emgirl16
Summary: Dean comes back from the Endverse with memories of the AU.He discovers they actually have a sister that no one can find.Or: Where everything is canon, except for the fact Dean and Cas won't confess their feelings and Dean bears the burden of seeing a slightly happier world.(I wrote an AU of a sis fic of mine, that's actually about Dean and Cas' feelings.)





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lot of mention of OCs throughout the work and a ton of flashbacks, but that's only to give some background. The main focus is on Dean and Cas. I threw in some Bobby/Crowley purely on impulse. Please scan the tags for warnings.

**What Could Have Been 2014**

The girl with such sad blue eyes smiled sorrowfully at Dean.

"You don't know me yet, but you will."

"Who are you to me?" He demanded.

He stood in a palace, such a strange thing considering all around him were ruins. Zachariah had apparently sent him to see the apocalypse he eventually helps to cause to sway him to the “right” side.

_What an asshole_.

The girl before him wore a dress that belonged in an old movie. It was a deep black and strapless. The skirt flowed down below her ankles. On top of her deep brown hair was a simple silver crown. On her wrist was a black mark.

"Family, once upon a time we were family.” She smiled slightly at him and Dean felt like she was looking at a ghost. “In our last meeting, you promised to kill me if you ever saw me again." The smile was gone as she snapped her fingers and a glass of whiskey appeared in her hand.

"What did you do to piss me off?" He questioned, it could have been anything. The man he turns into is on the edge, ready to explode.

"I made a choice to save someone I loved when Lucifer got his vessel.” Her words cut like knives in his chest. “I knew there would be consequences." She looked at him with something he dared to call love. "It feels like it's been forever since I've seen you, the real you."

"What happens to me?" He asks, a chill running down his spine as he stared into this girl **monster** queen's eyes.

"I'm sure you know, but I'll be blunt: you turn into a massive dick." She smirks and Dean can’t help but see it as a reflection of his own.

_Who is she?_

"I've noticed." He quips back, a quick smile flashes across her face.

"It doesn't have to be this way, Dean." Before Dean can say anything, she continued. "You are not going to remember anything about meeting me, but I can't help but tell you that _I have faith in you._ "

He has a moment to feel the authority of her words. They make him feel invincible, like he held the power of the universe in his hands and would never be conquered. It is a heady feeling and makes him feel slightly drunk.

Then the girl waved her hand and he was back at camp with a headache.

“What the hell am I doing out here?”He says aloud to himself, rubbing his forehead. He must have inhaled a little too much of whatever Cas was smoking.

 

**2007**

"You're a little too young to be drinking." An accented voice called.

Angel turned, "You have a little too much concern for a drug dealer."

The man smiled wide, showing off too much of his teeth, like a wolf baring fangs.

The first thing she noticed was that the suit he wore was more expensive then Angel's house. He had shaggy, white blonde hair and sharp green eyes.

"Glad that you're talking to me this time, Sweetheart, people call me Riley." He said, extending his hand.

"Kaitlin, but I go by Angel." She shakes it.

Riley looked amused for a second. Angel looked at him questionably.

"Inside joke." He smirked.

Angel never stopped running into him after that.

Riley guaranteed it.

**1983**

“Dean is such a good big brother.” Mary whispers to John, as they watch their sons play.

“Play” is a loosely fitting term here. Dean is mostly putting different stuffed animals in front of Sam’s face and giggling as he grabs for them.

_“Thank you for my family.”_ Mary whispers a prayer in her mind. She never imagined she could have this: a home, a husband, two beautiful children. It wasn’t perfect, but it was _hers._

“You know,” John tells her quietly, wrapping his arms around her. “I think we should have one more.”

“Is that so?” Mary smirks at him.

“Yeah,” He smiles nervously. “A little girl, with blonde hair and blue eyes and who doesn’t take anyone’s shit.” He looks at her, but his eyes are distant like he is seeing this theoretical child in front of them.

She smiles back. “Maybe, if you play your cards right. I’m open to persuasion.”

She can see her too. Wavy blonde hair and mischievous eyes. She would have all the boys wrapped around her little fingers. John would be cleaning a gun in their living room on her first date and Sam and Dean would be lurking behind him. She is surprised at how much she wants it.

John eventually gets that daughter, but Mary doesn’t.

Three months after this day, Mary burns on the ceiling of their home.

John’s heart and his wish of raising a little girl go with her.


	2. Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets some memories that help him realize some things. There's angst.

Part 1

(Dean looked for her in every face.

He looked for her in every crappy motel and every dinner, in every backwater town and every crumbling city.

He could never forget the sad blue eyes and the smile that looked like his.

_She has to be somewhere_.)

 

He doesn’t remember her at first and the night in that almost future where he found himself outside had driven him crazy. It needled at him, the need to remember, like a throbbing in his skull.

Sam says nothing when he starts to keep Aspirin on him and he starts finding alcohol pamphlets in his motel room.

The bastard had recruited Cas, it seems.

 

When they head to Adam’s house, he feels like he’s in a dream. Adam was 19 years old and in medical school. Dean would never see this kid graduated, would never get to laugh at and then answer his awkward questions about girls or boys. This kid should have been family but was now just a stranger.

When Adam turns out to have been dead for weeks, Dean has to hold back tears. The gap between them can never be filled. Adam would remain a face in a picture, a name on a page.

Then his eye catches the pictures on the wall.

Maybe he shouldn’t torture himself like this, but he goes to look at them anyway. He should get some idea of how Adam’s life went, even if it was an incomplete puzzle.

That’s when he sees _her_.

It's in a small picture, framed and placed lovingly in the hall. It’s the kind of picture he knows all the occupants in the house must have glanced at every time they walked past.

It shows a tired, but kind woman. Her arms are around two kids. One is Adam, with a wide grin and the kind woman’s eyes. The other is a little girl with blue eyes and dark hair. Her smile is small but no less genuine.

The world stills.

Memories that aren’t his pour into his head.

_Angel?_ He thinks.

It’s like an acid trip and rollercoaster rolled into one. He sees and lives a life he knows is not his. They bang around in his head so much he feels like he’s going to vomit.

Where is his baby sister?

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Sam asks him, worry filling his face.

_Where’s Kat?_

“Dean, who is Kat?”

Dean looks at Sam confused, because _why didn’t Sam know Kat was?_

Then the black spots filled his vision and he hits the floor.

“ _Dean_?!”

 

Cas takes them immediately to Bobby’s house, the first safe place they think of.

“Put him on the couch!” Bobby bellows. He doesn't know what's going on, but he sees Dean is in pain.

Sam can say nothing, his face pale.

Cas puts his hand on his head, eyes closed.

“I see.” He says.

“What’s wrong with him?!” Sam pleads.

“Someone implanted memories of another timeline into his head. His mind is scrambling to accept them.” Castiel tells them.

“I can fix it.” He sounds relieved.

Dean lies on the couch, remembering a girl his eyes have never seen in person, at least not in this dimension.

_Angel_. His mind whispers.

 

**2001**

_This was my second funeral in a year, the_ _first had been Kelsey's._

_She had gotten sick and never gotten better, the doctors said it was pneumonia._ _Mom was worse after that. Mike got busted and was sent to the pen for five years. With him gone there was no one to control her use._

_She OD on my birthday._

_I was 9._

_I found myself sitting in a police station with my social worker, we were waiting on my father. It was strange to know I had a dad when only a few of my friends even knew who theirs were._

_A tall man with a beard walked in. My social worker left us alone "_ _to talk"._

_The guy looked like he felt as awkward as I did._

_"So, I guess you're Kaitlin." He says gruffly._

_He offered me a hand._

_"Name's John Winchester."_

 

Dean wakes at Bobby, confusing thoughts no longer circling his head. The pain that had been plaguing him for weeks was now gone, leaving him slightly dizzy.

“What the Hell happened to me?” He groans.

“It seems you awakened memories of another timeline.” Cas informs him, with a cock of his head.

“ _JESUS!_ ” Dean jumps. “You’re gonna give me a heart attack!”

Castiel had made a habit of popping up unexpectedly. Combine that with his lacking sense of boundaries and personal space had made for some extremely awkward moments.

Cas looks confused. “That is unlikely, considering your age and how I healed you-”

“That’s not the point Cas.” Dean sighs.

 

They meet downstairs in Bobby’s dining room, everyone wearing the same expressions of grim expectancy they’ve been wearing for months.

“Well?” Bobby looked at Cas. “Did you fix the mess in his head?”

“I put a seal on the new memories, yes.” Castiel reports. “Dean may access them if he wishes, but I highly recommend against it.” His eyes stare into Dean as if trying to peer into his head, which he probably was. “It seems to cause him high emotional stress.”

“What did you see?” Sam asked, unable to stop himself. “What happened?”

“I saw our end.” Dean answers. “I saw our salvation.” He swallows, his mouth suddenly dry. “I saw that we’ve fucked up beyond repair.”

“What are you talking about?” Bobby scowls.

“I saw _her_.” Dean replies. “ _Our sister_.”

Sam drops his cup, it shatters on the floor.

The sound echoes across a silent room.

 

He can still see her. The way her eyes lit up when she got down a move. Her determined face as she saw impossible odds. He can hear her laughing with Cas and soothing words as she coaxed Chuck out of his small cabin.

He knew her.

Yet none of this had ever happened. He never danced with her and Cas in Bobby’s kitchen. He never listened to music with her in Baby. He never taught her the words his mother used to sing to him to help her through a nightmare.

He tells them this, through clenched teeth and shaking hands.

But he keeps some things to himself. Things that are better left buried, because he knows he can never have them.

He watches Cas in the corners of his eyes in a way he never watched him before. His eyes had been opened to an impossible truth and now it will not leave his mind.

 

“What do you mean, nobody can find her?” Dean yells, frustrated beyond belief.

They are knee deep in trying to avert the apocalypse. Lucifer is prancing around Earth and the angels are putting more pressure on them than ever to get their way.

But that’s not why Dean feels like hitting the bottle.

No, Dean has been pushed past his edge by the fact that apparently, _not a single being in existence can find Kaitlin Winchester._

“She is not in heaven, they have scoured it top to bottom.” Cas tells him, frowning. “It seems her existence was blocked from them somehow, an oversight or _interference_.”

“You think she was protected by God?” Sam asks. Everyone turns and looks at him. “I mean, what else is more powerful than angels?”

“There are old things.” Cas reveals with a solemn look. “Things older than even the angels.”

The room is quiet until Crowley snorts.

“Now that Feathers’ little moment of dramatics is over,” Crowley says with a roll of his eyes. “The Littlest Winchester is not in Hell either.” He looks slightly displeased at his lack of results, assumingly because he couldn’t manage to one-up the angels. “Without a doubt, she would have been used as bait by now.” Crowley’s voice scratches against his ears like a squeaky chalk against a board.

“She’s just gone, Dean.” Cas’ voice is filled with sorrow. He hates letting Dean down.

Dean closes his eyes.

_Where are you, Kat?_

 

**2008**

_"What are you?" Angel had to ask._

_"In the old days, I wasn't much of anything." He took a drink from a glass of bourbon he created out of thin air._

_Angel snorted. "Thanks for being so informative."_

_Riley shot her a look. "Let me finish."_

_"In the beginning, I was darkness." In her mind, she sees it, the infinity of cold dark that would drive a human mad._

_"I'm as old as God himself, perhaps we're even brothers. He certainly liked to think so. Always an optimist, that guy. I guess it comes from the all-knowing thing he has going on."_

_"I watched as he spawned the universe. Watched stars and suns live and die. Watched him bring light." She sees the sudden explosions of power that leaves her breathless. It feels wrong to see that darkness disturbed._

_"Being the primitive thing I was at the time, I didn't like this very much. Being the man with the plan God was, he didn't like me trying to stop him." She sees the clashes that spanned eons, across an impossible distance._

_"I was trapped by his archangels and spent a long time in a prison."_

_"Then one day I found myself on Earth in a vessel. Years passed. I grew and learned. I started to appreciate humans and their free will." She sees a man, confused and scared. He curls up in a cave and cries._

_"Then I met you." Riley smiles at her, his eyes soft._ _"Never did get you out of my head after that."_

_"What was your original name? Riley has to be an alias." She can’t help but ask._

_"Riley is the name I've chosen for myself. The big man upstairs always called me Braedan."_

 

**1994**

_Rosalie Harrison looked at her sleeping children. Her girls._

_They looked so innocent. So perfect. Her beautiful children._

_Then she looked around at their home. No, not home. It was a shitty apartment infested with rats and bugs. The hallways were filled with dirty needles and used condoms. The walls were paper thin, always allowing a crying baby or a beating to bleed through from any direction._

_For the first time in a long time, Rosalie felt regret._

_She prayed to a God she hadn't spoken to in years that her daughters would be happy one day._

_Then she limped to her bedroom to get dressed for work. It wouldn't do to make Paul mad._

_She didn't know she was crying until she looked in a mirror._

He finds himself sitting on Bobby’s roof, sipping a beer.

It is a clear night, no clouds to cover the moon and stars. He has a small ice chest next to him, refills ready at his leisure.

“Dean.” A voice says beside him.

He jumps. “ _Jesus_ , Cas!” He spills some his beer on his jeans, which makes him frown. These were his last clean pair.

“I am told it is common to ask about someone’s emotional state in a trying time.” Cas peers at him, head tilted.

“I’m doing fine.” Dean answers tightly.

“That is a lie.” Cas informs him.

“What, did your mystical angel bullshit tell you that?” Dean gripes.

“No, it is because I am your friend.” Cas tells him.

Shame hits Dean then, he knows Cas is having trouble with his grace. Trouble because he can’t go back home.

Because of Dean.

“Sit down, Cas.” Dean grumbles, after a moment of silence.

Cas follows his directions, awkwardly settling on the roof. He has to readjust his trench coat, leaving his tie crooked.

Dean reaches and fixes it before he can stop himself. Cas puts up a hand and touches Dean. He stills and his eyes meet Cas. His breath catches.

_Why is Cas the only one who can make the world fall away?_

Dean lets his hand drop and turns away.

They sit in silence as Dean finishes his beer.

He can’t make the memory of feeling Cas’ skin against his disappear.

 

Adam is brought into the fold with not a small bit of uneasiness.

Dean tries to be there for him, tries to bond.

But Adam is young and angry, forgiveness not in his vocabulary.

It turns out he’s a Winchester after all.

 

“Why do you have that?” Adam nearly yells when he sees Kat’s picture on the fridge.

“Adam-“ Sam starts.

“Look, kid, none of this is easy for anyone-“ Dean tries.

“Don’t!” Adam yells, eyes blazing. “You didn’t know her! You’ve got no right!”

Dean’s heart breaks all over again.

Because he does, but he doesn’t. Dean has never physically met Kat, but he knows her like the back of his hand.

He hopes whatever sadist that put these memories in his skull is happy now.

 

Adam is soon gone, lost to the angel’s schemes.

His face is imprinted into Dean’s mind.

 

Adam’s mind is swallowed whole by the force of Michael’s consciousness in seconds.

He is scared and dizzy.

He finds himself in his house, his _home_ before everything went to shit.

It is only a pale imitation of the real thing, this house, and the fake people in it. They are only fragments, built from his memories.

He cries for three days in this prison of his.

He cries for his mother, for Kat, and even himself.

_What has he done?_

 

**What Could Have Been 2013**

_The knife was still in Riley's back._

_Now that Sam had said yes, I couldn't trust his word. I wouldn't let him damn one of my blood. I wouldn't lose another sibling._

**_Never again_ ** _._

_Especially not Sam, who took great care of me when he finally tracked me down._

_Adam was dead and gone, alongside the only mother that had ever given two shits about me, Kate._

_The world was going to Hell, literally, and I didn't care at all._

_Sam gave me hope, gave me a reason to fight. He was why I spent my time plotting with ancient things and shadows._

_I was sent off to Dean eventually. Sam had to track down a way to stop the Devil and wanted me somewhere safe, or as safe as you could get nowadays._

_Dean was weary at first but took me in. He shaped me, made me a great hunter. I was the last person to know him as his true self and not the hardened, bitter man he's become._

_He would never forgive me for this._

_"What have you done?" He whispered, almost too horrified to speak._

_"What I had to." I almost pleaded. I needed him to understand, this was the only way._

_I had to protect them._

_"Heard that before." He smiled bitterly._

_"This is differ-" He cut me off._

_"Get out." He said without any emotion._

_"What?" Hurt cut deeply into my heart._

_"Get out!" He roared. "I don't want to see you again! I will kill you!"_

_I rushed out. Cas was surprisingly sober. He looked worried._

_"What's going on?" He questioned, his eyes widening._

_"I'm leaving," I called over my shoulder as I walked toward my cabin. "For good."_

_"What?" He yelled, shocked and appalled._

_I kept walking._

_I have caused my family more pain to gain my power. If it didn't use it, there would be no point._

_My sacrifices would be for nothing._

_I'm taking the crown of Hell._

_And I'm going to bring Lucifer to his knees._

 

**2001**

_John Winchester didn't do emotions. He was in 'Nam for God sakes. A marine. He hunted monsters while raising two boys._

_He wasn't quite sure how to react with this kind of news._

_"A daughter?" He asked in disbelief. He kind of remembered Rosalie. A student at a university. Wanted to be a lawyer. He had saved her from being murdered in a sacrifice by a witch._

_"Your name is on the birth certificate. But we would like to do a DNA test to sure. With Ms. Harrison's past... we feel it's necessary." The kind social worker answered._

_"Her...past?" The social worker sighed._

_"She was a known prostitute and addict."_

_John sat stunned. He felt numb all over. He remembered Rose as a bright and funny girl. She was going places. To hear her life had deteriorated to such a point didn't make sense._

_John, of course, consented to the DNA test. If the kid was his he had a responsibility._

_He waited for three days._

_He found he wasn't very surprised by the positive results._

_Only then was he told the whole story. About Kaitlin and Kelsey. About Mike Stinson. His blood boiled just thinking about that pathetic excuse for a human being._

_John watched his daughter, smaller than what she should have been, curl up into a ball and fall into an uneasy sleep._

_All he could think about was that there should be another body next to hers._

_John Winchester felt old._

_And so very tired._

He sees Gabriel’s still body in his nightmares now.

The empty burned out eye sockets that once held eyes like honey, always full of mischief. The ugly, black stains on the floor beside him, the only remains of what was surely a glorious set of wings. He hangs his head.

Kat would have saved him. Kat _did_ save him.

He sees it now, he really does. He is the dutiful son, Sam is the rebellious child, Adam was the moody healer, and Kat was the misfit trickster.

“As it is in Heaven, it must be on Earth.” He chuckles, though nothing is funny.

 

He swears this will be the point where he changes things.

He will use these god-awful memories and the knowledge that comes with them, for what good it does.

 

He finds Cas sitting in Baby.

He is quiet and staring into an impossible distance.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean says quietly.

“Hello, Dean.” He responds, his voice emotionless.

Dean crawls into the back with him. They sit almost close enough to touch.

“The world feels much… _emptier_ without Gabriel in it.” Cas confesses quietly.

Dean reaches and holds his hand tightly without a word.

“This feeling in my vessel, it is most unpleasant.” Cas continues. “Like something is weighing my chest down.”

“That’s called sadness, Cas.” Dean answers gruffly.

“I do not like it, Dean.” Cas leans into his body, like a child seeking comfort.

“Nobody does Cas.” Dean sighs. “It’s part of being human.”

His hold on Cas tightens and the hole in his chest gets bigger.

 

Sam holds a picture of Kaitlin in his hand.

She isn’t smiling, just squinting into the distance. She has a cigarette in her hand and a tattoo peeking out from the sleeve of her leather jacket. On the surface, she looks like one of those troubled kids you see in posters on a guidance counselor’s wall.

But when you consider her eyes, you see the warmness she holds for whoever is taking the picture. They are soft, with a hint of mischief. Her mouth holds a fond twist to it, an almost smile.

She is beautiful, he thinks to himself. He bets she was funny and cynical and even a bit kind.

Maybe she was none of those things.

Sam would never know.

 

Dean Smith wakes up at 6:00 am. He showers and brushes his teeth. He dresses impeccably, his suit and tie without a wrinkle, and not a hair out of place.

He knocks on the hall door on his way to the kitchen.

“Kat! It’s time to wake up!” He calls to her.

She comes to the kitchen as he mixes up his smoothie. She grabs a bowl and her favorite cereal.

“Why are so peppy in the morning?” She wrinkles her nose. “It’s kind of disgusting.”

“You should always start the day off right.” He informs her.

He drops her off at her private school.

“Good luck on your presentation!” He calls.

She says goodbye with a small and a quick wave.

 

Dean and Sam are disoriented when they appear back in their motel room.

“That was her?” Sam asks him, quiet.

“Yeah.” Dean answers. “That was her.”

“But not really like her, just one of Zachariah’s tricks.” Sam states, a little disappointed.

“Yeah,” Dean answers. “That wasn’t all there was to Kat.” He smiles a little. “She was never that perky.”

“So, what was the _real_ Kat like?” Sam asks, almost desperate. He wants to, _needs to_ , know what this girl he would have claimed as part of his family was like.

“She was a lot like me.” Dean finds himself answering. “Her clothes, her tastes in music, and Hell, even her attitude.” He smiles at Sam. “But underneath it all, she was a lot like you.”

Sam is struck speechless by the look in Dean’s eyes and the weight of his words.

_You both are just so: kind, considerate, willing to do anything for her family, desperate to be good, desperate to be worthy, hungry for redemption._

Dean misses her and now, Sam does too.

 

Dean dreams of Cas.

He dreams of sleepy mornings curled so tight they could feel the ribs on each other’s body. He dreams of kissing him every day, despite the lack of toothpaste and soap. He dreams of hands touching him, loving him, firm caresses against his scars. He dreams of soft words and harsh fights and living every day without him in black and white.

He wakes up alone and aching, nearly in tears.

He has never done any of this. Will never do any of this. Because Cas is his best friend, an angel. Dean is only a broken man, older than his body says. The things he did in Hell, the pain he’s caused is unforgivable.

He is not worthy.

 

**What Could Have Been 2014**

_My kingdom was built on blood._

_The blood I shed. The blood in my veins. The blood of a man I could have come to love one day, who could have made me happy._

_But he threatened my blood._

_So, I was forced to spill his._

_That's what I tell myself anyway. The weight is not so heavy if I think like that. It's bearable that way._

_In a way, that weight is reassuring. It tells me I haven't become a complete monster._

_Crowley stood beside me. I oddly liked the guy. His snark used to entertain me. It would be a shame when I would have to kill him._

_He was getting greedy for the crown._

_My crown sat on my head. Forged in the deepest pits of Hell and dipped in the blood of an innocent. It was menacing and terrifying in its beauty._

_With hard work, I had cut Lucifer's forces in half. Most have realized they were nothing but cannon fodder. But there were still those who were loyal to the end._

_Like Meg, as my brothers called her._

_She was kneeled and chained before me like the roach she was._

_"Crowley, I think I'll give her to you." I mused to myself. "As long as you kill her after she breaks."_

_Crowley looked pleased with this idea. "Thank you, my Lady." He said, only slightly sarcastic._

_Meg laughed tauntingly._

_"You think he can break me?" She almost held tears from the laughter. "Torture from him will feel like a fucking vacation."_

_Hmm... She had a point._

_I smirked as an idea came into my mind. Meg looked slightly uneasy._

_I snapped my fingers._

_It was a habit I took from the Archangel Gabriel. He wasn't such a bad guy. We shared a lot of laughs._

_Too bad Luci iced him._

_Her face went white. "What did you do?!"_

_"I just took away all your memories of pain in general. From your mind and body, so there's no pesky tolerance getting in the way." I smiled brightly at her._

_Meg screamed as they dragged her away._

_More blood to add to the empire._

_Just another day of being queen._

 

**2001**

_John called Kate._

_There was no way he could raise a daughter like he raised his boys. There was ten times the danger. John couldn't handle anything happening to one of his children._

_Kate was his only answer._

_She was slightly miffed at him calling out of nowhere, but once he explained she agreed._

_"Plus, Adam would be happy to see you." She said._

_John tried to ignore the little bit of happiness that flared when she said that. When was the last time a son of his had wanted him around? Dean, his eldest, was always happy to see him. But Dean was growing up and he hadn't forgiven John for driving Sam away._

_Kaitlin barely spoke, but she seemed to like John well enough. She hadn't responded when he told her he was taking her someplace safe._

_They arrived at Kate's a few days later. She had informed Adam of the situation and had set up the guest room for Kaitlin._

_John only stayed the night, much to Adam's disappointment._

_John made sure to have a talk with Adam before he went._

_" You're a big brother now, son." He said seriously. "You need to watch out for your little sister."_

_As he drove off he ignored the part of that said he was making a mistake. John knew better._

_This was probably the least selfish thing he had ever done._


	3. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The battle against the archangels is here. The aftermath. Some Cas POV.

Part 2

**On April 21, 1967, the 100 millionth GM vehicle rolled off the line at the plant in Janesville – a blue two-door Caprice.**  
  
**There was a big ceremony, speeches. The lieutenant governor even showed up. Three days later, another car rolled off that same line. No one gave two craps about her. But they should have, because this 1967 Chevrolet Impala would turn out to be the most important car – no, the most important object – in pretty much the whole universe.**  
  
**She was first owned by Sal Moriarty, an alcoholic with two ex-wives and three blocked arteries. On weekends, he'd drive around giving Bibles to the poor "gettin' folks right for Judgment Day." That's what he said. Sam and Dean don't know any of this, but if they did, I bet they'd smile.**  
  
**After Sal died, she ended up at Rainbow Motors, a used-car lot in Lawrence, where a young marine bought her on impulse. That is, after a little advice from a friend. I guess that's where this story begins.**  
  
**And here's where it ends.**

 

Bobby watches his boys mourn a girl in a photo with all the pain a father has for his children.

He wonders about that girl, the one that would have been one of his.

He bets she would have had him wrapped around her fingers. That they would have watched Tori Spelling and worked on cars. He bets she would have been a real firecracker, that she would have kept them all on their toes.

But he has no time for “what if’s” and he can’t do much from the chair he’s been caged in.

So, he watches.

He watches Dean yearn for that angel of his with all the hopelessness of a schoolboy. Watches him watch the angel like a thirsty man looks at water. Everyone can see the both of them love the other, Hell it’s only what every angel, demon, and hunter can’t stop talking about.

He watches Sam tiptoe around, trying to figure out his place now that he’s released the Devil. Watches him struggle with regret and hunger for redemption. He wonders if Sam will make it through this damned apocalypse.

He watches Castiel struggle to accept his looming humanity, the depression that has dimmed his eyes. He watches him look at Dean and see not just the man, but the soul. He knows Cas spent months putting Dean back together, risked his existence to rescue him from Hell. Cas knows Dean better than anyone.

_It’s such a damn shame_ , _all of it_.

 

**What Could Have Been 2015**

_A familiar face stared back at mine._

_It was strange how a face that I once loved now belonged to a stranger._

_"Lucifer." I say, with a polite smile. I had to admire the balls this guy had to come into **my**  domain._

_We stood in my throne room. I was wearing an old-fashioned gown that made me look like the queens of old. My lips were painted blood red and my smile was sharper than any blade. All of it was to give off an image of ultimate power, my own special kind of armor._

_A good image could stop a rebellion before it happened._

_He stood in a white suit with a fresh rose pinned to his jacket. His face held an amused look like I was a pet that did a neat trick._

_It pissed me off, but I kept a cold demeanor. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction._

_"Kaitlin." A nod of acknowledgment._

_"I go by Queen now." I responded calmly._

_"Yes, your forces are quite annoying. I commend your strategies." That was as close to a compliment as he got._

_"Thank you, I do try." I flash a smirk._

_"That's why I'm offering you a choice."_

_Oh, this should be good._

_"You back down now and I'll let you keep Hell. I'll even let you keep your subjects. Just agree to keep off Earth." He smiles a smile that doesn't belong on the face he's wearing._

_"And if I don't agree with this little proposition?" I questioned._

_"I will destroy you along with the rest of the insects." He answered coldly._

_I clenched my teeth. "I have one answer. You should know it, seeing how I've got Winchester blood running through my veins."_

_He waited silently._

_"Go screw yourself."_

_He smiled politely and disappeared._

_I forced my muscles to relax and snapped my fingers. A photo appeared. It was the only one I had of Sam. He had been my hero._

_My hope._

_Now there was nothing left of him._

_Seeing his face, hearing his voice brought back memories._

_They were so bittersweet._

_I knew then that one day I would have my family back._

_All of them._

 

**2002**

_Adam loved his baby sister. Most guys his age always went on about how annoying their siblings were. But never Adam._

_Kat was his best friend._

_Most of the time Mom had to work night shifts at the hospital. It left Adam in charge. He made sure Kat ate and took baths. He helped her with her homework. He sat up and watched cartoons with her._

_Kate loved having a daughter._

_She found herself looking forward to future bonding moments. talking about love, about dreams, and giving a bit of motherly advice. It was a bit cliché of her, she knows._

_It was a Sunday morning. In a rare turn of events, Kate was off and eating breakfast with them. She was getting Adam a glass of chocolate milk when it happened._

_"Can I have some too, Mom?" A quiet voice requested._

_Kate forced herself not to gasp._

_"Or course Sweetheart." She answered gently. She set a glass down in front of Kaitlin and kissed her on the top of her head._

_Kate thanked God for her family._

 

_**In between jobs, Sam and Dean would sometimes get a day – sometimes a week, if they were lucky.** _

_**They'd pass the time lining their pockets. Sam used to insist on honest work, but now he hustles pool, like his brother.** _

_**They could go anywhere and do anything. They drove 1,000 miles for an Ozzy show, two days for a Jayhawks game.** _

_**And when it was clear, they'd park her in the middle of nowhere, sit on the hood, and watch the stars... for hours... without saying a word.** _

_**It never occurred to them that, sure, maybe they never really had a roof and four walls...** _

__

It never gets easier to bury their loved ones.

There’s nothing left of Jo, of Ellen, or hell, even Ash.

There’s only failure and desperation.

 

“It’s time.” Sam tells Dean quietly, solemn.

They walk outside to Bobby’s backyard.

The evening is quiet. The wind is still. Not even the birds dare to sing.

They stand outside and look at the bonfire they’ve built. They are burning the rest of Ellen and Jo’s things, not willing to risk angry ghosts.

“This is for Ellen and Jo Harville, the best damn hunters I’ve ever seen and even better women.” Bobby says gruffly.

“For Ellen and Jo.” The group echoes.

 

_**…but they were never, in fact, homeless.** _

__

They all share a drink afterward. The bitter taste of whiskey burning their throats.

Dean gets a bit tipsier than he has in a while, way drunker than he should have. Castiel is left to escort him up the stairs, afraid he’ll fall and break his neck.

Dean trips and Castiel catches him.

Their faces are inches apart. The blue of Castiel’s eyes are all Dean can see and he is memorized.

_If I lean just a little bit more._ He thinks.

Castiel’s eyes widened, but he doesn’t move away.

They move closer.

Then Dean passes out, still in Castiel’s arms.

 

Sam sees it happens.

He knew, on an intellectual level, that Cas and Dean had some “ _profound bond_ ” that connected them. Knew that Dean walked around with a handprint that screamed possession to anyone that looked at it. Knew that every creature in Heaven and Hell and in-between gossiped about the Winchester and “ _his_ ” angel.

It doesn’t prepare him to see his brother almost kiss Cas.

It doesn’t prepare him to see how Cas’ face falls when they don’t.

_(It doesn't prepare him to realize how much he wishes they would just man up.)_

 

**What Could Have Been 2015**

_"You are not the face I expected to see." His golden eyes narrow, studying me._

_"Considering I brought you back to life, I would be more grateful." I smirk._

_"You've certainly changed Little Winchester." He decides not to smite me then, I see it in his body language._

_"Comes with being Queen of Hell and Braeden's Heir." I almost grin at his surprise._

_His golden eyes widened. "Just what the Hell did I miss?"_

_"You've got a lot to catch up on Gabriel."_

 

**2007**

_They meet at a bar._

_She's looking to score._

_He's just enjoying business as usual._

_He notices her right away. A face too young to be the host of so much pain in her soul. Yet despite it, her soul glowed._

_Not as bright as the Righteous Man's, but still brighter than what was usual for a human._

_He wasn't much to the average eye. To the Underground, he was a fearless criminal leader who couldn't seem to get caught. The truth of the matter was that Riley was more, he just enjoyed the tricky games of illegal activity._

_So, he slipped out of his booth and made his way to the bar, ignoring the females who eyes followed him._

_He slipped in beside her._

_"Hey, Babe." He flashed her his most charming smile. The one that had women throwing themselves at him for centuries._

_She ignored him._

_His interest was piqued._

_He continued to stare until she huffed, turned, and said, "Hi, not interested."_

_Just like that, he was hooked._

 

_**The Impala, of course, has all the things other cars have... and a few things they don't. But none of that stuff's important.** _

_**This is the stuff that's important. The army man that Sam crammed in the ashtray – it's still stuck there.** _

_**The Legos that Dean shoved into the vents – to this day, heat comes on and they can hear 'em rattle.** _

_**These are the things that make the car theirs – really theirs. Even when Dean rebuilt her from the ground up, he made sure all these little things stayed, 'cause it's the blemishes that make her beautiful.** _

_**The Devil doesn't know or care what kind of car the boys drive.** _

 

Bobby makes a deal with Crowley.

He walks again, making the desperate edges around his eyes disappear.

_What’s one little soul in the middle of the apocalypse?_

Crowley gloats about their kiss constantly but flirts just a bit too seriously when he and Bobby are alone.

 

Sam is going to say yes.

Adam already did.

Kat is gone with the freaking wind.

Everything is awful.

And now Cas can barely look at him since he caught him on the verge of giving up.

The world is crumbling before him and he retreats into memories of a somewhat happier path.

Hell, maybe the world fell apart and he became a massive dick, but it all turned out well. They all ended up together and got a great deal of happiness after all the pain.

(He doesn't think they're going in the same direction here.)

 

Then the day comes.

A Sam that isn’t Sam looks at him and sends chills down Dean’s spine. It reminds him of that God-awful trip, of a white suit, of a rose unnaturally beautiful.

“Dean Winchester.” It smiles.

 

Dean arrives at Stull Cemetery preparing for death.

But he still throws on a wicked grin and says, “Sorry. Am I interrupting something?”

A small part of him will forever appreciate the look of annoyance flashed at him.

“Hey.” He says, with a nonchalant air. “We need to talk.”

“Dean.” Lucifer says, sounding so much like Sam it hurt. “Even for you, this is a whole new mountain of stupid.”

Dean ignores him. “I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Sam.”

Michael is a bit miffed at this interruption. Dean doesn’t really give a shit. “You're no longer the vessel, Dean. You got no right to be here.”

Dean ignores him too. “Adam, if you're in there somewhere, I am so sorry.”

Proving once more what a massive asshole he is, Michael replies. “Adam isn't home right now.”

Dean lets out a feral grin. “Well, then you're next on my list, buttercup. But right now, I need five minutes with him.”

This really pisses Michael off. “You little maggot. You are no longer a part of this story!”

Dean prepares himself for death.

But then Cas is there.

“Hey, ass-butt!”

Dean is proud of him at first, proud that he faced down the Biggest of all Bads with no hint of fear.

But then Lucifer is angry and suddenly Cas is gone.

 

Cas is _dead_.

_Cas_ is dead.

And Lucifer is slowly beating Dean to death.

“You know,” He throws a hit. “I tried to be nice,” A kick. “for Sammy's sake. But you,” Dean coughs up some blood. “are such a pain,” Another hit. “ _in my ass_.”

Lucifer throws Dean onto the windshield of Baby, it shatters. Bobby shoots Lucifer in the back, unable to watch anymore.

Lucifer turns, Bobby shoots him again. Lucifer makes a twisting hand motion and, just like that, Bobby’s neck snaps.

 

His family is _gone_.

He is alone and it’s so fucking awful.

 

And then Dean is saying everything he always wanted to tell his brother.

“Sam, it's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you.” He’s gonna accept his fate here. It doesn’t even matter anymore.” Lucifer punches him a few more times, but the last thing he’s gonna see is his baby brother’s face. “I’m not gonna leave you.”

 

He does come back.

Somehow Sam hears him and saves the world.

But he doesn’t stay.

 

**What Could Have Been 2016**

_"I believe you and I have a similar goal." I said, with a polite smile. Only a fool like Luci wouldn't respect this being._

_"What would that be?" He questioned, uninterested._

_"You want off your leash. I want to kill Satan. I think we've got things in common." That caught his attention._

_"What do you require from me?"_

_Oh, not much at all. "Just your scythe."_

_"Have you ever had pizza from Chicago?"_

 

**What Could Have Been 2012**

_"You'll help me kill the devil and save my brothers?" I asked, skeptical._

_Riley didn't do anything for free._

_"All I want you to do is sign a little contract..." He said with a smirk._

_I knew better._

_Neither Dean or Sam ever went into detail about Dean's time in Hell. I suspect that not even Sam was ever told the full extent._

_Not that there was much chance since they split up not long after he got back._

_But God help me, I signed it._

_I remembered the corpses I saw on the way here. I remembered the screams as I watched Croats tear into people. I watched my family fall apart._

_God, though he's not there anymore, have mercy on me._

_But I was a Winchester, there's no mercy for us._

 

_**Endings are hard**_.

_**Any chapped-ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning, but endings are impossible.** _

_**You try to tie up every loose end, but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There's always gonna be holes. And since it's the ending, it's all supposed to add up to something.** _

_**I'm telling you, they're a raging pain in the ass.** _

 

They don’t kill the Devil in the end.

He’s thrown into the pit with no mercy, Michael along with him.

 

Dean drives back to Bobby’s numb and confused. Cas sits beside him, silent.

“What are you gonna do now?” Dean finds himself asking.

Castiel is merciless. “Return to Heaven, I suppose.”

“Heaven?” Dean almost chokes.

“With Michael in the Cage, I'm sure it's total anarchy up there.” Castiel says neutrally.

“So, what, you're the new sheriff in town?” Dean attempts to joke.

Castiel takes it a bit too seriously, in hindsight. “I like that. Yeah. I suppose I am.”

“Wow. God gives you a brand-new, shiny set of wings, and suddenly you're his bitch again.” Dean is not doing a very good job at hiding his bitterness.

“I don't know what God wants. I don't know if he'll ever return. It just... seems like the right thing to do.” Castiel confesses.

“Well, if you do see him, you tell him I'm coming for him next.” Dean vows, beyond pissed.

“You're angry.” Cas notes.

“That's an understatement.” Dean snorts.

Cas attempts to calm him. “He helped. Maybe even more than we realize.”

Dean doesn’t look at him, he can’t. “That's easy for you to say. He brought you back. But what about _Sam_? What about _me_ , huh? Where's my grand prize? All I got is my brother in a hole!”

“You got what you asked for, Dean.” Castiel looks him in the eyes, but he doesn’t meet them. “No _paradise_. No _hell_. Just more of the same.” He leans in close. “I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have? _Peace_ or _freedom_? “

When Dean manages to look over, Cas is gone.

It hurts more than he expects. “Well, you really suck at goodbyes, you know that?”

 

_**This is the last Dean and Bobby will see of each other for a very long time.** _

_**And, for the record, at this point next week, Bobby will be hunting a rugaru outside of Dayton. But not Dean.** _

_**Dean didn't want Cas to save him. Every part of him, every fiber he's got, wants to die or find a way to bring Sam back.** _

_**But he isn't gonna do either.** _

_**Because he made a promise.** _

 

Dean’s not sure why he goes to Lisa’s. Maybe because there’s nowhere else to go.

“Hey, Lisa.” He has to hold back the tears.

“Oh, thank god. Are you all right?” She sees past the shield, Lisa is smart like that.

His voice breaking, “Yeah. Uh, if it's not too late, I... think I'd like to take you up on that beer.”

“It's never too late.” Lisa says, in a gentle voice.

Dean steps inside and into Lisa’s arms. He can’t hold it in anymore.

“ _Shhhh._ It's okay.” He hears. “It's gonna be okay.”

 

_**So, what's it all add up to? It's hard to say.** _

_**But me, I'd say this was a test... for Sam and Dean. And I think they did all right. Up against good, evil, angels, devils, destiny, and God himself, they made their own choice.** _

_**They chose family. And, well... isn't that kinda the whole point?** _

_**No doubt – endings are hard. But then again... nothing ever really ends, does it?** _

 

_Sam_ , _Adam_ , and _Kat_ are _gone_.

Castiel has gone silent on him.

 

He stays with Lisa and lives what feels like a fake life.

(He still dreams of another world, one where they all got some sort of happy ending.)

He sleeps in her guest bedroom and mows her lawn. Her neighbors fawn over how cute they are. Her son enjoys spending time with a male role model.

He feels half dead.

Then he has to leave because Sam is back again.

_Cas_ is back again.

 

But then everything keeps going to shit and soon enough it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

(He still looks for Kat everywhere he goes.)

 

**What Could Have Been 2016**

_The body that once belonged to Sam lay stretched across the floor._

_His eyes were opened._

_His once white suit was bloody._

_The black stain of an Archangel's wings surrounded him._

_I looked up to meet Gabriel's sad gaze._

_"I guess I'm glad it's over." He said. He looked at Lucifer's still form. "That was all I wanted once upon a time."_

_"It's not over yet." I said looking at the wall. "There's something we got to do first."_

_With that,_   _Dean and Sam Winchester woke up gasping for breath._

_Castiel appeared in a flash. He was dressed in his old trench coat. He looked surprised, seeing how he had died in Dean’s last attack on Luci, basically a human junkie._

_All three were too shocked to move._

_"Hey, guys." I said sheepishly. Queen of Hell or not, family reunions make me nervous._

_"Angel?" Sam questioned._

_"I've been dreaming of this day for a long time." I held back my tears, using all my willpower._

_I couldn't stop smiling._

_I had gotten my retribution._

 

Castiel thinks about _that_ night.

That night when Dean was intoxicated and almost fell. He had caught him like he always would strive to.

Castiel did not need to breathe, but for a second he thought he was experiencing the effects of suffocation.

The green of Dean’s eyes drew him in, like a moth to a flame. He found himself thinking things he never thought possible before.

_What if_ he leaned in just a bit further?

_What if_ he kissed Dean until the air left his lungs?

But Dean losses consciousness and Cas is left feeling ashamed.

 

Dean says nothing about it afterward, and Cas is almost grateful.

He would never want to ruin his place in Dean’s family. Would never want to take advantage of his state.

He knows Sam saw the entire thing. He hasn’t met Castiel’s eyes since. He hopes he never mentions it to Dean.

He has already lost one family, he doesn’t want to lose another.

 

He never dared to hope that Dean would offer him something like that. He had wished for it because now the thought won’t leave Castiel’s mind.

Castiel is not blind.

He sees the looks Dean gives him. Sees the longing and desperation. Sees the love.

Castiel is not deaf.

He can hear the way Dean says his name. Like a prayer that most save for God, “ _Cas_.” It is filled with a thousand things he’ll never say.

Castiel is not dumb.

He has watched over humanity for centuries, has seen the beginning and end of civilizations. He knows that everyone knows. Knows that even the filthy demons below smirk at them, laughing at the Angel and the Winchester.

Castiel has loved him since he caught a glimpse of his soul in Hell. It was so bright, so glorious. It was brighter than any of the glories of Heaven, he dared to think.

Yes, he loved Dean Winchester from first sight, as the humans say.

It’s what made him go above and beyond in crafting Dean’s body again. What made him ignore the eyebrows raised as he painstakingly replaced every single freckle on Dean’s body.

Castiel thinks about a million moments that he and Dean have shared.

He thinks about nights sitting on Bobby’s roof, being so close he can feel the body heat of Dean’s body. He thinks about the way Dean’s mouth looks around a bottle and how he struggled to identify the heat in his body.

But after _that_ night.

_Oh_ , he thinks.

He is attracted to Dean’s body, as well.

He thinks about the day after Gabriel was killed. Dean let him lean on his shoulder for hours uninterrupted. They held hands and it felt so natural Cas could cry.

He loved Dean Winchester, _but_.

He was just an angel, just a lowly little angel that will soon fall. He is worth less than the dirt on Dean Winchester’s shoes with his sins. He nearly destroyed the world a few times over with his obsessions. He harmed so many in his fruitless pursuits.

He will never be enough for Dean, despite the way he longs to pull him close and kiss him.

He is not worthy.

 

**What Could Have Been 2021**

_Five years had passed since Lucifer had fallen._

_Dean and Castiel reunited and cleared out their issues. It was a relief to everyone, as even a fool knows that there’s no two that belong together like those two._

_Surprisingly enough, Sam and Gabriel find the time to fall in love with each other. They are super adorable together and leave a path of discarded clothes and candy wrappers everywhere they go._

_The world was more than aware of the supernatural now. Most survivors were hunters._

_There weren't really governments anymore. All of them had fallen, but the world moved on and slowly was rebuilt._

_As it was, Gabriel and I were working hard 24/7 to get the world back to some sense of normal._

_Dean and Sam pretty much ran North America. The survivors banded together to form communities. They all were deep followers of the Winchester Gospel. Poor Chuck was even still around._

_Adam was resting in Heaven, content with his place up there._

_Everything was still pretty much in ruins at this point._

_But I had faith that we could fix it._

_We were Winchesters after all._


	4. Epilouge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What could have been and how things are.
> 
> (There's a little bonus snippet at the bottom.)

**What Could Have Been**

_The centuries have passed._

_The Winchesters were all long gone._

_They and their angels were resting in Heaven._

_They didn't have any issues with them, seeing how Gabriel ran things up there now._

_The legends of the Winchesters still lived. They were hailed as heroes._

_Tales of their exploits were passed on. The Gospels sold more than the Bible. The movies were classics that were remade every decade or so._

_The world had eventually rebuilt itself, due to the Commander of Heaven and the Queen of Hell's efforts. Life rolled on. Babies were born. People died from more natural causes. Growing towns rested on the ashes and ruins of the past._

_But out of all the Winchesters, there was one that stood out from the others. It was ironic, the Queen of Hell being known as a hero._

 

**What Is**

“You should stop doing this to yourself.” Castiel tells him quietly.

“I can’t help but wonder, Cas.” Dean sighs.

They sit in a dirty motel room, crumbled fast food bags in the trash.

“You couldn’t have known, you barely knew about Adam at the time.” Castiel looks at him, meeting his eyes the only way Cas can.

That makes him think about Adam rotting in the pit and his sister nowhere to be found.

“Are we sure Crowley is telling the truth?” Dean asks, voice small.

He bribed Crowley into scouring the very depths of Hell. There was no sign of Kat anywhere. What could be powerful enough to hide her away?

_God?_

He almost snorts, that deadbeat was long done with interfering.

“He would have used her against us by now if he wasn’t.” Castiel confirms.

They sit quietly for a few more minutes. Dean thinks about the Sam waiting for him back at the Bunker and the Sam he saw in his dreams.

Both had been broken beyond what any human should be able to stand and stitched back together. Yet one Sam was doomed to live alone and the other had died loved beyond what was imaginable.

It’s funny how Dean is in the same position. The only difference is that Dean knows what he’s missing. He knows how deep and true they could be.

He finishes his beer and tosses it in the trash.

“Thanks for the company Cas.” He summons up some sort of smile.

“Anytime Dean.” Cas says, with a simple nod.

Then Cas is gone and Dean is left alone.

He thinks about the blue of Castiel’s eyes and the way it felt to kiss him.

He lets out a bitter, broken laugh.

Then he goes to sleep alone.

Like always.

 

“You ready to go Kat?” Riley calls to me across the room.

“Yeah.” I sigh. “Jesse is waiting.”

I watch Dean sleep, restless and alone. He and Cas never even sensed our presence.

_I really fucked everything up, didn’t I?_

Just like a true Winchester.

 

 

**Bonus: Crowley**

 

Crowley never thought he’d grow so fond of an old man in a wheelchair.

Something about the way he’s so grumpy and angry on the surface, but so soft on the inside appeals to Crowley.

They’re all about to die, so he figures there’s no reason for him not to explore his daddy issues.

 

He finds himself amused and intrigued about the man.

He has a near worship level of infatuation with that two-bit actress but holds powerful knowledge inside that fragile skull of his.

He could make a powerful enemy or useful alley.

 

What seals the deal is the **kiss**.

Crowley hasn’t been kissed like that in 200 years. The old man may not look like much, but he's got moves that would make Deana and Samantha clutch their pearls.

He discovers he wants Bobby Singer, wants to make him his.

_So, he plots._

 

Of course, the Scooby Gang gets involved when he refuses to return his soul.

But he has plans for him, so he does what he must to make them back off.

But they get it back anyway, leaving him furious and mildly impressed.

 

Then Bobby is **_dead_** , killed by god’s forgotten children, the ones who never learned that no means no and how to stop acting with a child’s control level.

The worst part is that it’s _all his fault_. He’s the one who had been leading Castiel around by his nose, intending to gain unlimited power from all those souls.

But it was all for nothing, for worse than nothing.

Crowley is fucking furious.

If only the fuck-up twins had just left it alone. Had just let him keep Singer’s soul.

Then he would at least be here, in Crowley’s domain, bitching and griping about the idiots Crowley has to deal with as minions.

But Singer is in Heaven, surrounded by halos and his wife, not sparing a single thought about Crowley.

He doesn’t know why the thought hurts so much.

He feels almost as pathetic as Squirrel and Feathers, wanting each other but denying it out of some idiotic sense of honor.

He snorts and takes a sip of his expensive alcohol.

“At least I was never _that_ bad.” He says aloud.

He ignores the curious looks the minions send him.


End file.
